Happy birthday to me!
- Me: I take vitamin d and mangesium. Supposed to make me happier...
- Doll: Happier? Are you unhappy?
- Me: Oh dear :)
I am sitting at Axel’s house in his room, looking around at his 6 monitors. All large in size. He is playing German music through his high definition speakers, which shakes his old house. His room is dark with the sloped ceiling that only adds to his 6’9 stature, which will always take me aback. My Giant friend.
He has gifted me 5 things tonight, and I am to expect more. Why this man is so kind to me, I do not know. I do not ask, he simply listens and does accordingly. Life works in odd ways. I could be his little pet, so well taken care of if I chose so. My Master neglects me and gives his adoration to others. So, why? That is what I will always ask. Isn’t it?
Pandora, a rag doll feline, sleeps in a chair. Lethargic and grumpy seeming. Her grey and white fur looking soft and disheveled.
A “Becca-sized” laptop warms my lap, as I watch the clock tick down. 10:30 is a haunting time, a time that means alone.
I could stay here with him and be content. Maybe even happy, if I tried.
Sitting around smoking cigarettes and pot in our small house that throbs with heavy metal. We’d fuck every day till it turns into making love. No kids, just us. Our silly jokes that make us laugh for hours. Art and drugs till there’s no wall space. Booze to satisfy our dying livers. As long as we are happy. As long as you are happy.
No! Not deal. It’s what everyone says. That things will get better, that they’ll do better, that they can make things work. It’s bullshit. It never happens. Everything always falls apart. There is always disappointment lurking, waiting for me to smile. I can’t believe you. The world, and my intelligence, won’t let me.